Pondering Love

5000 Miles…

Site Overhaul Update.

Site update/overhaul

Pondering Love

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As I sit here writing this, waiting for my brownies to finishing baking I had just finished thinking to myself “hmmmm. It’s odd how I look on facebook and see all these people, all with their own lives, living them as they see fit, having their significant others of all shapes and sizes. I wonder how many of them think about me, or worry about me?” And I thought about that for a while. Everyone on my friends list I love in one form or another. And I do truly mean love. I love and care for pretty much everyone I know. I think about all of them often. How they are doing, how they are feeling. Are they happy, are they sad. Are they healthy, sick, hungry, fed, or anything else that may be going on with them. Are they happy with their life, how are they getting a long with their partner. How is the pregnancy going, wedding planning, schooling, child caring, and so on. I worry about all of them. I worry and care for everyone I have ever met, even those I shouldn’t. The people in life that have hurt me, scared me, or even shunned me. I still worry about them. I keep them in my thoughts always. Always hope they are safe, sound, and happy. No matter how they have treated me in the past, no matter their thoughts of me then, or now. I still want nothing but the best for them, and would stop for them on the side of the road in the freezing rain to help them change a tire if it made their life a little easier, a little safer, and a little more happier. I know most people wouldn’t do the same for me, they would most likely drive by and smile because they would think I have earned this in life, but trust me, no one truly knows what I have gone through in life, no one knows how much I do every day to repent for things in my life that were never my fault and I had no control over, but I do my best to repent for the sins which were not even mine.

So as I sit here and wonder if I am in people’s thoughts as much as they are in mine, I have to remember that I am not normal. I care too much and too fast for people who honestly don’t deserve it. I’m a glutton for punishment, and so may say a maryter, cause I keep doing it over and over again knowing the same thing may most likely happen. But I don’t mind, I enjoy making people happy and caring for them, even though at times it does seriously hurt me, but I never learn, and would again do the same thing. It’s who I am, and I can’t change that, though I fear one day I may turn into the person I despise the most.

So I sit here, pondering my love. Pondering how I love. Pondering the fact that I love, wholly, unconditionally, and without restraint. I love people who deserve it, and don’t deserve it. I love people who can never love me back, who have never truly loved me, and people who hurt me, and continue to. But I love them anyway and keep them in my thoughts and want nothing but for them to be happy, even and the price of my own.

So I sit here, and see all the people around me who I love, and think about almost daily, and think “I wonder if they every stop and think about me. If they wonder how I am doing.” It’s strange to be around soo many people, see soo many people who “care” and never hear from any of them. It’s strange to be surrounded by soo many people, and yet feel totally and completely alone. And no matter how many times people say “We love you.”, or “You’re not alone, you always have family that loves you.” It’s never the same. It’s still soo easy to feel soo desperately alone.

So I sit here, feeling alone, and still soo full of love for people who I know most likely don’t love me back, or even know I’m there half the time till I show up in front of them.

So I sit here…

Tobias Small @ July 19, 2016

5000 Miles…

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To the woman I love.

This is to you Shianne. Since no one really knows you, I feel I can use your real name without making one up. If find it strange, almost wrong that I feel closer to you, someone who is 5000+ miles away from me, then I ever have to anyone else. You know me better than all but a few of my friends, in fact I can name off just a few people who know me better than you. I feel like I have known you forever, I swear since high school, which was 10 years ago. That’s a third of my life. And though it all you have been there, always. Sure, we have our issues, we have argued, fought, not talked for a while, but we have also loved and shared and supported each other. I have had a sense of pride I will call it when I think about you. You’re always soo driven, so caring, loving, and hard headed. I have seen you grow, without ever really being there. You have graduated school, gone off to college, gotten a job. And even though I may be sitting here in a little room, half a world away from you, I still feel pride knowing that I know someone soo amazing. I feel wonderful knowing that I love you, and that you have always accepted the love I feel for you. I also smile every time I think about the fact that I know that you will always feel love for me. I have done many things in this life that I know I should be proud of, many things that I know other people are proud of for me. But thought it all, what I feel most proud of is the fact that many years ago, I found you. I know that no matter what, at least in some way, I will always have you. You may not know it, but many, many times, you have been my rock, the only thing that has made my darkest days a little brighter knowing that you were here, just a message away. Knowing that at least in sprit I could be with you and spending time with you. Through many tough times I have always used you, the thought of you, your voice as my anchor, my guiding light, knowing that no matter how dark things got, I always had you. If you only knew the impact you have had on my life. If you only knew the things I would do for you. I have said it many times, and most people know it to be true, but I don’t really plan on getting married again, however, for you I would gladly break my word. The thought of spending the rest of my life with you always fills me with such joy that when times are down, I always imagine you and I, in our house, on our couch, years from now, just sitting there and watching tv. That image alone has saved me from many a dark places. And that’s just one reason I love you. Piled on top of all the other reasons I love you. It seems silly I’m sure, but I have tried before to count the reasons I love you, it’s always turned out in failure because when I try, I always have too many to count, I repeat some over and over because they are always true. I love you for many reasons, your dedication to your schooling, your brain, your smile, your love, the way you can always make me smile. There are many reasons I love you, and I know I say that often too, but I find more and more reasons to love you every day, I find more and more things out about you every day, and it all adds to reasons I love you. I hope I never stop learning about you, learning of you, learning with you. I also love how you know things I don’t, and that I can learn from you. You have no idea how sexy that is to me. Just the fact that you can always surprise me. You know what else I love about you, that you love me. For some reason, you have loved this crazy, fat, stupid, often over worked or under employed, mostly penny-less, person that is me. And it’s that and the little things that make me love you more and more every day, like the fact you can’t have dairy. Cause you know what that means, it means if we were together, I would have a reason to not keep ice cream in the house, and therefore wouldn’t eat it, lol. It’s the stupid little things like that. Often are the times I have gone to bed at night wising you were here with me, often are the times I have stayed up all through the night just to talk to you more. There have been times where I have come home, worked to the bone, ready to collapse, and your message is there waiting for me, and it gives me strength, and then I have stayed up all night, just to talk to you. I know I ramble, and digress in this, but the point of my writing this is many things. I want to be able to put down how I feel, I want to be able to say I love you. I have never cared who knows that I love you, but saying it out loud where you can at least see it means something to me, then you at least know that when I tell you I don’t care who knows, you believe me. Some of my friends have always known about you, some haven’t. All I know is that I love you and care for you very deeply. I want nothing but for you to be happy. But it hurts me more than you can imagine when I know that you need me, and you need to be held, and here I am, 5000 miles away and powerless to do anything other than tell you I’m here for you if you want to talk about it. I can’t hold you, cant even kiss your forehead and hold your hand in mine.

I say it again, is it odd, is it wrong of me to be soo deeply in love with someone who is 5000 miles away. Is it strange that I feel closer to you than I do anyone else, or in fact than I ever have felt with someone else. 5000 miles. That’s a lot. More than most people can even think of. But through all those miles, sometimes I feel as if I’m right next to you, as if I can reach over and put my arm around your shoulder and pull you close. You are the woman I love. And I will always love you. Always care about you. Its soo strange knowing that I care for someone so much, and will most likely never have a chance to see in person, to even tell you to your face that I love you. 5000 miles is a lot, and each one of those miles weighs on my heart more than anyone knows. But in the darkest hour, when the desperation gets it’s worst, I just remember that I do love you, and I close my eyes and imagine that smile that I have seen soo many times, and it all goes away again, the miles seem to disappear, and all the light comes back to my life. So, is it odd, wrong, or bad to feel this way for someone I have never met, and may never meet. I say no, because in my heart it feels right. In my heart I love you. That’s all that matters to me, is that I love you.

Joseph Guimarin @ April 13, 2016

Site Overhaul Update.

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There were various reasons I wanted to do a site overhaul. However, due to time restrictions, and many other things going on it my life, it looks like I wont get to it for a long while. However one of the reasons I wanted to do it was security, but it doesn’t appear to be an issue at all, so I’m just going to keep an eye on the site, but have decided to keep using it as normal. I hope to be able to bring a few more writers onto the site (friends) and I also hope to start reaching more people. One thing I have been thinking about doing is a post a week about my new job. I will have a lot of back writing to do however, but I think It would be nice to write about it, show updates, and educate people on the history of the project I’m working on. Though who will see it, I’m not sure, but I still hope to show something.

Joseph Guimarin @ April 12, 2016

Site update/overhaul

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I just wanted to let everyone who does read this, know that soon I am going to be doing a major site overhaul. That also means a total purging of the database as well, so the site will be down for a measurable time. It’s time to go through, clean out, and secure, the current database better, as well as possibly updating the look of the site. Stand by for more updates on this as soon as I work out when, and for how long, the site will be down.

Joseph Guimarin @ March 29, 2014

Everything is a cycle.

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 Just about everything that could happen has already happened. Now, sure, it hasn’t happened in that way, at that place, with that sort of intensity, or with that level of subtlety. But despite the fact that every event is unique it doesn’t mean that the event isn’t just the particular part of a reoccurring cycle, one that has been present, and will again be present.

 We need only look at nature to see an example of this concept. Good ol’ Sol, our sun, rose this morning. I know, I saw it. Today, will never come again, it’s a unique event and, therefore, one important factor concerning today’s sunrise is unique. The sun also rose yesterday, and will likely rise again tomorrow, both themselves unique events, and yet all three sunrises are part of the same cycle.
 In my daily life, I take take this concept and apply it to everything that happens. I wake up every day, I eat every day, I do some amount of work, and take part in some amount of leisure every day. Nothing in my day is perfect, but when I notice something that I don’t like (whether it simply irks me, or REALLY grinds my gears) I reassure myself that this is only the current instance of a reoccurring cycle. I have incredible control over the variables and conditions affecting my surroundings (not complete control, but still substantial) and I can make a note, mental or physical, with the goal of reminding myself to assert my control, leverage my influence, and allow the event to pass with a different outcome. Sometimes this outcome is more agreeable to me, sometimes it is less, but what it rarely is, is unchanged.
 Now, you may be asking “That’s all well and dandy, Chris, but you just described in detail something that EVERYONE is doing. What is the purpose of this?”
 The purpose, my dear readers, is this. When something happens that I don’t like, I cope with it by reassuring myself that (1) this one event is not the sum of all existence, and it (2) will, in fact, come around again allowing me an infinite number of opportunities to change it. I can do this without getting my feathers ruffled, because, to a certain degree, it’s all under my control.
 How? Well, look at what I did there. I am acknowledging the control over the situation that I DID NOT exert. Control that, in some situations, was completely wasted. This can, at times, be difficult to spot, partially due to the fact that I’m looking for something that didn’t happen (Like a book entitled, “Where’s the Empty Spot that Waldo could be Standing”).
 On one hand, doing this sucks, because, instead of thinking this was beyond my control, (which is relatively easy) I am accepting the part I played in something I didn’t like (a much tougher pill to swallow). But here’s the kicker. Once done, this brings that event back under my control. I know that, as reliably as the sun, it will come to pass again and, when it does, the part that I played last time can be played again, but differently. In this manner, I can change anything in my life, given enough time and determination. (a significantly easier pill to swallow)
In my daily life:
I take part in everything, whether actively or passively. Even things I do not like. I can always do it differently next time, because there will always be a next time, because everything is a cycle.

Christopher Marian @ March 18, 2014

The past is a funny thing. pt1

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The past is a funny thing. I believe most intellectually developed people would look at it and deduce the belief that the past is a static thing. But is that, in fact, the case? It would certainly appear that way because we only experienced one past, or recall having experienced one past.  Add to that the fact that other people took part in what you remember, and they too, recall only one past, and it’s easy to come to the conclusion there is one, objective, past that all beings shared in.

 But is there really an objective absolute version of everything? If so, how would we know it? Let’s assume for a moment, the concept of deceiving others doesn’t exist, and you were able to spell out your account of everything from the furthest moment back you remember, to the moment you were currently experiencing. Would that be the truth? Now imagine whether we had your closest friend do the same, do you think they would match? I have a very good feeling they would not. Who is right you, your friend, neither, or both? Well, right relative to what, or who? Because relative to yourself, you’re right.
 I have witnessed this on multiple occasions, for example when a husband and wife recall a tale differently. In the absence of an absolute, objective version of their story, they are forced to face the fact that there is no objectively “true” version of the past. (In these scenarios the husband usually leveraged his culturally-ingrained sense of dominance and forced the wife to verbally acknowledge his inability to comprehend paradoxical truths by suppressing her truth)
 What you remember is arguably an important thing. Your thoughts and opinions are heavily influenced by your accumulated knowledge of something, and that knowledge, regardless of where it came from, is held as true within your mind. But here’s the kicker, everyone remembers things differently. If your version of the past is unique to you, and still true to you, but everyone else who exists or has existed has a different story they base all their thoughts and opinions off of, then an interesting concept is revealed. The past is not static, there is an infinite number of versions of it.

Christopher Marian @ February 28, 2014


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So you’ve nabbed yourself a designer and life is good. You inherently feel more creative and have a new found confidence wearing glasses. But before you dive headfirst into a world of logos, coffee and deadlines, there are a few quirks you ought to consider when dating designer folk.

Dating a designer – it ain’t easy

1) They are always right:
You may think it will be fun to re-decorate your living room with the help of your designer partner, but you’re wrong. It’s not fun. Not unless you are familiar with pantones, rules of aesthetics and tungsten lighting. Forget mixing your Mexicali rug with a French provincial coffee table, it’s just not going to happen. It goes against the theme, babe.

2) Ditch Microsoft Word, and Publisher, and PowerPoint:
They will scoff at your use of comic sans and appear frustrated when you don’t understand the importance of good kerning. They will take to the formatting of your resume with a hatchet, and the outcome will be spectacularly more professional than your best suit.

3) They don’t keep office hours:
Some days it may seem like they spend hours sourcing GoT memes and sending you links to puppies falling asleep, while other nights you go to bed alone and are woken at 12 am by cold computer hands. It all comes down to good versus evil clients and deadlines. But you can’t say they aren’t proud of their work, you’d be hard pressed to find a designer willing to hand in something sub-par just to make it home in time for Survivor.

4) They speak another language:
It’s called ‘Adobe’, and you will never understand it.

5) They freaking love fonts:
If your designer is unusually happy today it’s probably because they just stumbled across a bunch of boutique fonts. And they are freaking out. At one stage they may even try to make you watch a documentary on Helvetica. This is normally the point in the relationship where you re-evaluate your life choices.

6) You’re living with a geek:
You’re going to have to come to terms with this. They will geek out over the new iOS home screen and you will not understand why, especially when you’re yelling for them to come upstairs and help you update your laptop because for some reason all your contacts have disappeared.

7) Gift shopping sucks:
It truly sucks. Sometimes you may even resort to typing “stuff designers like” and “birthday presents for designers” into Google in the hope that something amazing and costing approximately $80 (with shipping included) will pop up on your screen. It never happens and nothing will ever be cool/clever enough.

8) Your wedding invites will be awesome:
Think of how amazing they will look. Think of how jealous your friends will be when they go to choose their own sucky wedding cards out of the catalogue at the printing store, or worse – order them online. Revel in your own, perfect, custom-made save-the-dates, invites and thank-you cards while you can.

9) Two is always better than one:
If you don’t have two computer screens, you’re an amateur. You don’t have a rechargeable mouse? You’re unprepared.

10) Form over function:
This fact mainly applies to buying groceries and choosing books. Who would buy that carton of milk when this carton of milk is matte with raised lettering. You think it feels like Braille, and are pretty certain it’s milk for a blind person, but they seem to dig it. Who cares that it costs an extra $4.50?

After all, a lot of people would consider you quite lucky to be dating a designer, they are a creative, imaginative and driven bunch of people. They will buy you the best Christmas gifts, shoot all your holiday photos on a good-looking camera, and save you from choosing a horrible, horrible bedspread. Plus, you will never have to learn the difference between CSS and HTML, and don’t even think about dealing with code.

Designers, they’ve got your back.

Joseph Guimarin @ February 18, 2014

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster

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Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: “Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because nobody else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last minute, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of redpeppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nosefeels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Fuck those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a fucking thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s just too painful. Fuck it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safefor all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make. Poor Yank.
FRANK: ————–(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Joseph Guimarin @ January 15, 2014

Podcast Update

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So, it looks like we will in fact get the podcast going again. Sounds fun. Now I just have to figure out how I want to put them up on the site. In a post, or in an archive? Any ideas anyone. I want to try and make this as easy, cool, and streamlined as possible. If anyone has any thoughts or ideas let me know. Also, if you have any thoughts for a podcast remember to start submitting them, or if you want to be in one let us know.

Joseph Guimarin @ January 13, 2014


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So I really want to do a podcast about Futurama. Not sure what it will include yet, but I really want to do it. Now I just have to set up everything to record it, and somehow find people to be included in the podcast. That’s the real hard part. Any takers??

Joseph Guimarin @ December 10, 2013