Sacramento, CA — June 10, 2025
In a bold new effort to reduce gun violence while preserving Second Amendment rights, California has passed legislation mandating that all bullets sold within the state be equipped with “government-approved mini-parachutes” to slow their velocity and make them, in the words of Governor Gavin Newsom, “kinder, gentler projectiles.”
Governor Newsom signed the bill—officially titled the Humane Ammunition Act of 2025—on the Capitol steps Tuesday morning while flanked by supporters, including several performance artists dressed as doves. The Governor lauded the legislation as “the most progressive step forward in ballistics reform in the history of humankind.”
“For too long, bullets have been needlessly fast,” Newsom declared, holding up a prototype 9mm round complete with a biodegradable hemp parachute. “This law ensures that even in the tragic event of a shooting, the impact will be more of a firm tap than a lethal blow. This is about compassion. This is about equity. And yes, even hardened criminals deserve a chance to shoot more responsibly.”
When asked how he plans to enforce the law among illegal firearm users, Newsom remained optimistic. “Look, I believe in the better angels of our nature. If we show criminals that we care about their safety too, they’ll come around. After all, no one wants to get hurt—especially the guy holding the gun.”
California Attorney General Xavier Becerra also praised the legislation, calling it a “common-sense compromise between law enforcement and the recreational homicide enthusiast community.”
“This new law is just one piece of a larger mosaic of justice,” Becerra said. “We’re currently developing legislation that would require all knives sold in the state to be made of aluminum foil, and tasers that compliment you before shocking.”
Despite widespread mockery from critics across the country, the bill has gained traction among progressive circles and Etsy gun accessory shops, many of which are now offering custom bullet parachutes in LGBTQ+ pride colors, glitter themes, and seasonal motifs.
Still, not everyone is on board. The California Sportsmen’s Association issued a statement calling the law “an insult to the laws of physics” and noted that preliminary tests show that parachuted bullets tend to spiral off target, often returning gently to the shooter’s own feet.
In response, Newsom simply smiled and said, “That’s just gravity doing its part to end the cycle of violence.”
The law is set to go into effect January 1, 2026, though gun ranges across the state are already preparing for “slower, more suspenseful target practice.”
Sacramento, CA — June 10, 2025
In a bold new effort to reduce gun violence while preserving Second Amendment rights, California has passed legislation mandating that all bullets sold within the state be equipped with “government-approved mini-parachutes” to slow their velocity and make them, in the words of Governor Gavin Newsom, “kinder, gentler projectiles.”
Governor Newsom signed the bill—officially titled the Humane Ammunition Act of 2025—on the Capitol steps Tuesday morning while flanked by supporters, including several performance artists dressed as doves. The Governor lauded the legislation as “the most progressive step forward in ballistics reform in the history of humankind.”
“For too long, bullets have been needlessly fast,” Newsom declared, holding up a prototype 9mm round complete with a biodegradable hemp parachute. “This law ensures that even in the tragic event of a shooting, the impact will be more of a firm tap than a lethal blow. This is about compassion. This is about equity. And yes, even hardened criminals deserve a chance to shoot more responsibly.”
When asked how he plans to enforce the law among illegal firearm users, Newsom remained optimistic. “Look, I believe in the better angels of our nature. If we show criminals that we care about their safety too, they’ll come around. After all, no one wants to get hurt—especially the guy holding the gun.”
California Attorney General Xavier Becerra also praised the legislation, calling it a “common-sense compromise between law enforcement and the recreational homicide enthusiast community.”
“This new law is just one piece of a larger mosaic of justice,” Becerra said. “We’re currently developing legislation that would require all knives sold in the state to be made of aluminum foil, and tasers that compliment you before shocking.”
Despite widespread mockery from critics across the country, the bill has gained traction among progressive circles and Etsy gun accessory shops, many of which are now offering custom bullet parachutes in LGBTQ+ pride colors, glitter themes, and seasonal motifs.
Still, not everyone is on board. The California Sportsmen’s Association issued a statement calling the law “an insult to the laws of physics” and noted that preliminary tests show that parachuted bullets tend to spiral off target, often returning gently to the shooter’s own feet.
In response, Newsom simply smiled and said, “That’s just gravity doing its part to end the cycle of violence.”
The law is set to go into effect January 1, 2026, though gun ranges across the state are already preparing for “slower, more suspenseful target practice.”