As I sit here writing this, waiting for my brownies to finishing baking I had just finished thinking to myself “hmmmm. It’s odd how I look on facebook and see all these people, all with their own lives, living them as they see fit, having their significant others of all shapes and sizes. I wonder how many of them think about me, or worry about me?” And I thought about that for a while. Everyone on my friends list I love in one form or another. And I do truly mean love. I love and care for pretty much everyone I know. I think about all of them often. How they are doing, how they are feeling. Are they happy, are they sad. Are they healthy, sick, hungry, fed, or anything else that may be going on with them. Are they happy with their life, how are they getting a long with their partner. How is the pregnancy going, wedding planning, schooling, child caring, and so on. I worry about all of them. I worry and care for everyone I have ever met, even those I shouldn’t. The people in life that have hurt me, scared me, or even shunned me. I still worry about them. I keep them in my thoughts always. Always hope they are safe, sound, and happy. No matter how they have treated me in the past, no matter their thoughts of me then, or now. I still want nothing but the best for them, and would stop for them on the side of the road in the freezing rain to help them change a tire if it made their life a little easier, a little safer, and a little more happier. I know most people wouldn’t do the same for me, they would most likely drive by and smile because they would think I have earned this in life, but trust me, no one truly knows what I have gone through in life, no one knows how much I do every day to repent for things in my life that were never my fault and I had no control over, but I do my best to repent for the sins which were not even mine.
So as I sit here and wonder if I am in people’s thoughts as much as they are in mine, I have to remember that I am not normal. I care too much and too fast for people who honestly don’t deserve it. I’m a glutton for punishment, and so may say a maryter, cause I keep doing it over and over again knowing the same thing may most likely happen. But I don’t mind, I enjoy making people happy and caring for them, even though at times it does seriously hurt me, but I never learn, and would again do the same thing. It’s who I am, and I can’t change that, though I fear one day I may turn into the person I despise the most.
So I sit here, pondering my love. Pondering how I love. Pondering the fact that I love, wholly, unconditionally, and without restraint. I love people who deserve it, and don’t deserve it. I love people who can never love me back, who have never truly loved me, and people who hurt me, and continue to. But I love them anyway and keep them in my thoughts and want nothing but for them to be happy, even and the price of my own.
So I sit here, and see all the people around me who I love, and think about almost daily, and think “I wonder if they every stop and think about me. If they wonder how I am doing.” It’s strange to be around soo many people, see soo many people who “care” and never hear from any of them. It’s strange to be surrounded by soo many people, and yet feel totally and completely alone. And no matter how many times people say “We love you.”, or “You’re not alone, you always have family that loves you.” It’s never the same. It’s still soo easy to feel soo desperately alone.
So I sit here, feeling alone, and still soo full of love for people who I know most likely don’t love me back, or even know I’m there half the time till I show up in front of them.
So I sit here…