5000 Miles…

To the woman I love.

This is to you Shianne. Since no one really knows you, I feel I can use your real name without making one up. If find it strange, almost wrong that I feel closer to you, someone who is 5000+ miles away from me, then I ever have to anyone else. You know me better than all but a few of my friends, in fact I can name off just a few people who know me better than you. I feel like I have known you forever, I swear since high school, which was 10 years ago. That’s a third of my life. And though it all you have been there, always. Sure, we have our issues, we have argued, fought, not talked for a while, but we have also loved and shared and supported each other. I have had a sense of pride I will call it when I think about you. You’re always soo driven, so caring, loving, and hard headed. I have seen you grow, without ever really being there. You have graduated school, gone off to college, gotten a job. And even though I may be sitting here in a little room, half a world away from you, I still feel pride knowing that I know someone soo amazing. I feel wonderful knowing that I love you, and that you have always accepted the love I feel for you. I also smile every time I think about the fact that I know that you will always feel love for me. I have done many things in this life that I know I should be proud of, many things that I know other people are proud of for me. But thought it all, what I feel most proud of is the fact that many years ago, I found you. I know that no matter what, at least in some way, I will always have you. You may not know it, but many, many times, you have been my rock, the only thing that has made my darkest days a little brighter knowing that you were here, just a message away. Knowing that at least in sprit I could be with you and spending time with you. Through many tough times I have always used you, the thought of you, your voice as my anchor, my guiding light, knowing that no matter how dark things got, I always had you. If you only knew the impact you have had on my life. If you only knew the things I would do for you. I have said it many times, and most people know it to be true, but I don’t really plan on getting married again, however, for you I would gladly break my word. The thought of spending the rest of my life with you always fills me with such joy that when times are down, I always imagine you and I, in our house, on our couch, years from now, just sitting there and watching tv. That image alone has saved me from many a dark places. And that’s just one reason I love you. Piled on top of all the other reasons I love you. It seems silly I’m sure, but I have tried before to count the reasons I love you, it’s always turned out in failure because when I try, I always have too many to count, I repeat some over and over because they are always true. I love you for many reasons, your dedication to your schooling, your brain, your smile, your love, the way you can always make me smile. There are many reasons I love you, and I know I say that often too, but I find more and more reasons to love you every day, I find more and more things out about you every day, and it all adds to reasons I love you. I hope I never stop learning about you, learning of you, learning with you. I also love how you know things I don’t, and that I can learn from you. You have no idea how sexy that is to me. Just the fact that you can always surprise me. You know what else I love about you, that you love me. For some reason, you have loved this crazy, fat, stupid, often over worked or under employed, mostly penny-less, person that is me. And it’s that and the little things that make me love you more and more every day, like the fact you can’t have dairy. Cause you know what that means, it means if we were together, I would have a reason to not keep ice cream in the house, and therefore wouldn’t eat it, lol. It’s the stupid little things like that. Often are the times I have gone to bed at night wising you were here with me, often are the times I have stayed up all through the night just to talk to you more. There have been times where I have come home, worked to the bone, ready to collapse, and your message is there waiting for me, and it gives me strength, and then I have stayed up all night, just to talk to you. I know I ramble, and digress in this, but the point of my writing this is many things. I want to be able to put down how I feel, I want to be able to say I love you. I have never cared who knows that I love you, but saying it out loud where you can at least see it means something to me, then you at least know that when I tell you I don’t care who knows, you believe me. Some of my friends have always known about you, some haven’t. All I know is that I love you and care for you very deeply. I want nothing but for you to be happy. But it hurts me more than you can imagine when I know that you need me, and you need to be held, and here I am, 5000 miles away and powerless to do anything other than tell you I’m here for you if you want to talk about it. I can’t hold you, cant even kiss your forehead and hold your hand in mine.

I say it again, is it odd, is it wrong of me to be soo deeply in love with someone who is 5000 miles away. Is it strange that I feel closer to you than I do anyone else, or in fact than I ever have felt with someone else. 5000 miles. That’s a lot. More than most people can even think of. But through all those miles, sometimes I feel as if I’m right next to you, as if I can reach over and put my arm around your shoulder and pull you close. You are the woman I love. And I will always love you. Always care about you. Its soo strange knowing that I care for someone so much, and will most likely never have a chance to see in person, to even tell you to your face that I love you. 5000 miles is a lot, and each one of those miles weighs on my heart more than anyone knows. But in the darkest hour, when the desperation gets it’s worst, I just remember that I do love you, and I close my eyes and imagine that smile that I have seen soo many times, and it all goes away again, the miles seem to disappear, and all the light comes back to my life. So, is it odd, wrong, or bad to feel this way for someone I have never met, and may never meet. I say no, because in my heart it feels right. In my heart I love you. That’s all that matters to me, is that I love you.

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